


Alone

by ninjamonkey73



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22282444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamonkey73/pseuds/ninjamonkey73
Summary: "You see nothing, Lieutenant," Chakotay said as Kathryn keyed the code to her door and pulled him in behind her.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67
Collections: Star Trek: Voyager Fanfics (T)





	Alone

**Author's Note:**

> Written circa 1997.
> 
> What follows is a story that sprang nearly full-blown from my head following a few playings of the Heart song "Alone", specifically from the live version on their album "The Road Home" (<https://youtu.be/EzBh3wYh8IQ>). It is an emotionally raw and absolutely incredible acoustic version.
> 
> [Standard disclaimers apply. I own no stock in Paramount, but then, they own none in me. These characters are not theirs, although the resemblance is uncanny at times.]

_***I hear the ticking of the clock, I'm lying here the room's pitch dark  
_ _I wonder where you are tonight, no answer on the telephone  
_ _And the night goes by so very slow, oh, I hope that it won't end though  
_ _Alone.***_

Insomnia was not a new state of affairs for Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. For as long as she could remember, sleep would occasionally be an illusive commodity. What she found disconcerting about it this night was her inability to control where her thoughts wandered to as she lay awake in her quarters.

His face was burned into her mind. In the zero illumination of her bedroom in sleep cycle, she could see him more plainly than if he were standing right in front of her. Him. Chakotay. Her First Officer, and yet more than that. And no more than that. She didn't doubt he would have her if she were willing to change things. It was a comforting safety net. He would always be there if she changed her mind. Maybe.

"Lights. 50%,"she called out, tossing the covers aside and donning her robe and slippers. She sat down at her terminal and without thought tapped in a query about the Commander's whereabouts.

"-- Commander Chakotay is not in his quarters--," came the computer's reply.

Kathryn blinked and looked at the monitor. Why had she asked if he was in his quarters? What difference did it make? At this late hour, she certainly didn't intend to call him. Why had she even gotten out of bed? At least in bed, the odds were a little higher she'd eventually fall asleep. But she didn't feel like sleep would come tonight. A quick glance at the chronometer told her 0042 hours. He wasn't in his quarters and it was after midnight. She could easily check his location, but it felt sneaky. She could just as easily call him.

And say what? _Hi, I'm lonely and thinking about you so much it's driving me crazy._ That wouldn't do. Not a bit. _Feel like a cup of tea, Commander?_ After midnight? And where? In her quarters? No, none of it would lead to anything good. But how hard would it be to just take the step she had been avoiding? Inviting him to her quarters while she was feeling anxious from lack of sleep and restless simply because something needed to give was dangerous. It would be a long, long night if she couldn't put her mind to other things.

She called up Tuvok's report on Neelix's tactical training and tried to focus.

_***'Til now, I've always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone, how do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone?***_

When she realized her thoughts had again wandered to Chakotay's whereabouts, she groaned and thumbed off the computer terminal. She couldn't count on work to save her from herself tonight unless a red alert suddenly called her to duty. But then, it would call him to duty also. At least she would know where he was. The brief thought that perhaps he was seeing someone on the ship caused her breath to catch in her throat. The involuntary reaction scared her more than the possibility that he was with another woman. Her reaction proved she cared no matter how hard she tried not to and that was just plain dangerous.

Duty dictated a course of action she was realizing she might be incapable of maintaining. How could she be expected to keep her personal life separate from her professional life when all she really had was the professional? She couldn't take a leave, go home, go on vacation, stay anywhere long enough to see anyone not attached to Voyager. And truth be told, she didn't want to see anyone else anyway. She hadn't ever needed anyone simply for the sake of having someone. Or had she? Mark had always been so convenient. He would watch the dog, take her when he could get her, for however long Starfleet saw fit to release her, and be content to keep the home fires burning. Maybe she HAD settled for the concept of someone to go home to. Could she have left him behind so often if their relationship had been based on more intense feeling?

She couldn't imagine her life without Chakotay in it. That was problematic. She still needed to make command decisions that would keep the good of the entire crew first and foremost. Could she do that if it meant sacrificing Chakotay? _Never let it come to that_ , she thought too late to stop the next logical thought. If it did, could she forgive herself for not being truthful to him while she had the chance? A chill ran up her back and she grasped her shoulders tightly to fend it off.

Theoretically, she could tell him how she felt without having to act on any of it. Just happen to bring up the subject over dinner some night. Tell him how much his presence in her life means to her and move on to another topic. Oh, yes, he'd let it drop at that. And a Ferengi would walk past a bar of latinum on the ground if it were facing wrong side up. The urge to know his location overwhelmed her and she activated her terminal again. She stopped with her hand poised over the execute key.

_***You don't know how long I have wanted to touch your lips and hold you tight  
You don't know how long I have waited and I was gonna' tell you tonight  
But the secret is still my own, and my love for you is still unknown  
Alone***_

The power of the emotions that battled in her was unsettling. Captain Kathryn Janeway did not have the luxury of a personal life so long as Voyager remained in the Delta Quadrant. She tried to remind herself that she needed to remain a safe emotional distance from them all if she was to properly lead them.

"It's too late, Kathryn," she said out loud to no one.

Many of them were too deeply engraved on her heart to remain simply crew members. Her thoughts again turned to the possibility that she would one day need to choose between Chakotay and Voyager. Or Kim and Voyager. Or B'Elanna, or Tom. The damage, so to speak, was already done. She could no longer choose between any of them and the safety of the ship and crew. Either they would all get home in one piece or none of them would. That being established, why not embrace what happiness she had found out in the Delta Quadrant and live her life without regret?

Her secret held an enormous amount of destructive power. If anything happened to her, Chakotay would receive a prerecorded message that she had rerecorded untold times. The current edit laid her heart bare for him. Too late. If she gave him that 'gift' only once she was gone, she ran the risk of him hating her or himself for never pressing her on her feelings. If anything happened to him, he would never know the years she had spent fighting her attraction to him.

In the very beginning, he was still an outlaw. Home was still fresh in her mind. Mark was still waiting for her there. As time passed and she came to see who Chakotay was beyond his arrest warrant, it became harder to deny. Unfeeling Federation politics had driven him to his Maquis life. It didn't make it right, but it made it understandable, even excusable. He was a deeply emotional, sensitive man. To ask him to set that aside for duty's sake was almost too much. Almost. He had done it for her. He had set aside his personal feelings because she asked him to, however non-verbally, after New Earth.

_***Oh, 'til now I've always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you  
And now it chills me to the bone, how do I get you alone  
How do I get you alone?  
How do I get you alone?  
How do I get you alone?  
Alone  
Alone***_

The silence in her quarters bore down on her. Her thoughts became unbearably loud in contrast. Do something or go insane. Do something and perhaps regret it. Do nothing and surely regret it at one point or another. For once, Kathryn had to admit she had no idea which was the right thing to do. One thing she knew for certain- she had to get out of her quarters before she went stir crazy. Not sure where she intended to go, she put on her Starfleet issue workout gear. She would tire herself into a decent night's sleep if she had to run laps around the hydroponics bay all night or challenge Seven to a few rounds of Velocity.

Once out in the hall, her mind continued to wander forbidden paths, imagining how it would be to tell Chakotay how she felt about him, what it would feel like in his arms, where a future together might take them. She turned up at the hydroponics bay flushed more from her thoughts than the exertion of getting there and consciously committed herself to a punishing workout as penance. Hydroponics was dimly lit during the unoccupied night cycle, but she made no change to the ambient lighting. A few laps in the simulated twilight would hopefully lull her into a better state for sleeping.

Focused entirely on her footing and trying to think only of her movements, Kathryn never saw the silhouetted figure in her path. A microsecond before she plowed into him, she saw a pair of boots, but that was all. Chakotay had been walking in the bay when he heard the running footfalls approach. He never thought she wouldn't look up and see him. Her level of intense concentration distracted him a moment too long. Before he could even open his mouth to voice a warning, Kathryn's head struck him in the chest and he lost his footing, both of them going down hard. He lay on his back with the wind knocked out of him for a moment, Kathryn on his chest, breathing hard. When she didn't immediately remove herself from his involuntary embrace, he wondered if she had hurt herself, but she spoke before he regained his breath.

She slapped a hand on the ground beside them as she counted off, "One, two, three. Pinned you." She laughed softly, still struggling to catch her own breath. A smile lit her face in the dimness. "Are you alright, Chakotay?"

"Never been better. Training for an intergalactic championship?"

She laughed again, her breathing nearly back to normal. Fate, it seemed, had placed him right in her path whether she liked it or not. The fact that she had made no effort to get off of him suddenly struck her. He had to have noticed already. There was no graceful way to extricate herself after such a length of time. She chanced a look down at him, tucking her hair back behind her ear to keep it off his face. Her eyes lingered a moment on his lips before she shut them tightly and sighed softly.

"It's a good thing you weren't Harry," she said suddenly, trying to think about how the young ensign would react to his captain falling on top of him and staying there. Of course, this situation was different by its very nature. She hadn't just spent hours wishing she were in Harry's arms.

Chakotay's puzzled grin spread across his face. He reached up tentatively to brush a few stray hairs back behind her ear. "Yes. It's a good thing it was me."

She pressed her cheek against his hand, feeling the electricity pass between them and settle in her stomach. Her eyes traced his tattoo, then her finger gently outlined it as well. Only a few charged inches separated them. The need to confess suddenly overwhelmed her. "It's all your fault, you know."

His confusion stopped her only a moment.

She continued, "If you hadn't been completely filling my thoughts when I tried to go to bed, I never would have decided to come run myself to oblivion."

"I see," he said slowly. His hands came to rest on her hips. The scent of her bubble bath surrounded him as the weight of her words fully sank in. "You were trying to run away from me?"

"And instead I ran into you. I guess I've been running long enough. I kept telling myself that if we'd met back on Earth, but we never would have met if it hadn't been for my mission to the Badlands to apprehend you." The word _apprehend_ struck her as funny and she smiled. "It looks as though YOU caught ME. Right from that first moment I had you on my bridge, I knew you would be trouble. Falling in love with you has been nothing but trouble so far, Chakotay. You better make it worth my while."

The smile on his face disappeared suddenly. Her words hung in the air between them. _Falling in love with you._ He swallowed hard and breathed, "Let me up."

It was Kathryn's turn to stop smiling. "That wasn't one of the reactions I anticipated, Chakotay." She rolled off of him immediately, staring blankly at the ceiling for a moment, wondering if she had made a mistake.

He stood slowly, his face a well-guarded mask. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"--Captain Janeway is in the hydroponics bay. -- "

He slowly raised a hand to his other arm, wincing as he pinched himself, hard. He was most definitely awake. His next thought was that perhaps it was she who was not fully awake. She still lay at his feet, looking quizzically up at him, resting on her elbows. The moment before he pinched her, she read what he was about to do in his eyes and tried to dodge him.

"Ouch! What was that supposed to prove?" she asked, getting to her feet.

He shook his head with a deeply furrowed brow. "There's no reasonable explanation"

"If you would like me to take it back," she began, but he cut her off by taking her face into both of his hands.

His lips were suddenly very close to hers. A panic rose in her chest. Part of her wished he would kiss her and finally end her wondering, while another part wanted to dash out of the hydroponics bay and lock herself in her quarters. The smell of him was intoxicating. His fingers ran back into her hair, tickling her neck. His thumbs traced lazy lines across her flushed cheeks. In the near dark, his eyes were little more than black holes, sucking her irretrievably into their depths. The seconds felt like forever. His breath fanned her cheek lightly. Kathryn realized she hadn't breathed since he first touched her, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but him.

"Kiss me," she murmured. _And hurry_ , she thought.

His smile at her request actually made her knees weak. Kathryn Janeway, weak over a man's smile! This would definitely complicate their working relationship.

"Not here," he said and slid his hands down her arms, grasping her hands. "Someplace a bit more private. I've been ordered to make it worth your while, correct?"

His implication made her stomach flip. "My quarters. Now." And she took off. Her heart slammed in her chest before she even made the hallway outside hydroponics. _Try not to look guilty. It looks like you've been exercising_ , she thought as a crewman nodded hello as he passed. Chakotay trailed a respectable distance behind her in the hall, but if the look on his face was any indication, she could only hope they passed no other crew members before reaching the privacy of her quarters.

He thought for a moment about waiting to take the next lift, but she pulled him in and barked out her deck before he could protest. About six inches separated them in the small enclosure. Carefully controlled avoidance of contact in the lift, staring deeply into each other's eyes saw them through the short trip. The doors parted onto a nearly deserted hallway. Nearly.

Tom and B'Elanna came around the corner as Kathryn and Chakotay stepped out into the corridor. To two people on the inside track, it was clear what was going down. The two lieutenants exchanged smirks, noting that their commanding officers almost had no idea they were even in front of them.

Tom couldn't possibly hold his tongue. "It's about damn time!"

"You see nothing, Lieutenant," Chakotay said as Kathryn keyed the code to her door and pulled him in behind her. Her head popped back out a split second later.

"If I hear anything about this, I'll know where it came from. And could you let Tuvok know I may be late for duty in the morning?" A huge smile lit Kathryn's face as she winked at the younger couple.

Tom laughed. "Oh, be late, Captain. Definitely be late. Your secret's safe with us."

She was already gone before he finished speaking the last. A soft thud behind the Captain's closed door made both lieutenants cringe slightly. Witnessing it was an entirely different thing than just speculating, to be sure.

"Computer, increase soundproofing on the Captain's quarters by 50%. Authorization Torres, Omega 5 9 3."

"-- Acknowledged. --"

Chakotay's elbow rested against the wall just above Kathryn's shoulder. He blindly keyed the lock, smiling seductively, disbelief coloring his voice. "You didn't just tell Paris you'll be late for duty in the morning."

"What if I did? We'll see if he can hold his tongue now, won't we? Everyone outside of the senior staff thinks we're already together anyway. Now, where were we?" she purred.


End file.
